


Indestructible

by Johanna_002



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Addiction, Drug Addiction, Love, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Other, Trust, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 06:49:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11984424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johanna_002/pseuds/Johanna_002
Summary: Just another post S4E9 concept between Red and Nicky. Something along the lines of the talk they should have had.





	Indestructible

Nicky was lying in her bunk, legs awkwardly laced together as she pretended to be engrossed in a book. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, she counted. Her eyes shifted from her book to the all too familiar black crocks that appeared suddenly in the entryway of her cube. She fought against the urge to roll her eyes, wondering how long it would be before Red addressed her. Three Mississippi, four, she began again.

"Nicky," Red finally called for her, her thick accent breaking the tense silence that had been cast over the two of them for days.

When Nicky didn't bother to look up from her book, Red cleared her throat loudly, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of her feet as she waited to be recognized. Only when the girl's warm brown eyes rose to meet hers, did Red physically relax. Her left hand found the rounded softness of her abdomen, and she stroked her hand back and forth slowly in an attempt to quell the queasy feeling coiling inside of her.

At the uncertainty that flashed across her mother's face, Nicky inclined her head in acknowledgment. Clearing her throat, she whispered, "Yea, Ma?" she cursed herself for how unsteady she sounded. She uncrossed her legs, and the soles of her feet firmly planted against the mattress. She pushed herself up onto her elbows, reclining still against her pillows.

Releasing the large breath she'd been holding, Red accepted Nicky's greeting as permission to enter her sanctioned area and she swallowed nervously, buying herself every morsel of time that she could before making the incredibly short journey to her. "Nicky," she began again, her voice no more than a whisper. "Can we talk?"

Nicky pursed her lips together in thought, her eyes falling to the tiny print of her book. The hairs on the back of her neck sprang to life as she listened to Red's unsteady breathing. She bit roughly on the inside of her cheek, contemplating her answer. Things between them had never felt so high strung, and the whole bathroom incident was still too fresh in her mind.

"Why?" she asked, her throat raspy with uncertainty. Her eyes fluttered to a close, and she lowered her head in shame. Despite her very wish, her mind was torturously replaying the sound of Red sobbing.

"Tell me what to do, Nicky!"

Red's anguish was a haunting reminder of her failures - a broken record that played over and over again, in her loneliest moments, always reminding Nicky of what a giant fuck up she was. She hadn't known how to respond to Red then, and all this time later, she still wasn't sure what to say. Besides the fact that Red alone could not save her, there was no blueprint for how they were supposed to overcome this.

Just as Nicky had told her that night, she wasn't her fault. There was absolutely nothing Red could have done - no reason for her to feel guilty, or responsible. She was an adult who was more than capable of making the right decisions. Why she couldn't, why she always detoured down a wrong path, was a mystery Nicky hadn't yet been able to solve.

Red was defeated, exhausted beyond comprehension. She'd been thinking about how to broach this topic for days, had rehearsed it enough times in front of the bathroom mirror to rival some of Broadways greatest performances, but now that the time had come to confront her girl over the mayhem that had become their life, nothing she had rehearsed suddenly seemed sufficient enough. Aside from the fact that Nicky deserved more than a few scripted lines, Red realized that she needed honesty. She wanted to understand the full story, she wanted to right the wrongs for her child and keep her safe. It was the objective of every mother wasn't it, to protect and love their child no matter the situation.

Her hands fell to the small of her back and Red arched into her own touch. Her nails dug firmly into her tense muscles, and her pads of her fingers worked to extract the knots that had been building up for days. "I think we should," Red whispered, finally finding her voice. "I think we need to be honest with one another." She lowered herself down onto the bunk beside Nicky, her legs crossing naturally at the ankle, a seemingly regal stance.

Nicky closed her book, sighing loudly as she laid it against her abdomen. Her hands folded on top of the cover perfectly, fingers laced tightly together. Her facial expression faltered into something unreadable as her eyes bore into the Russian's calming blue ones.

Red could instantly see the change in her, and she bowed her head low in thought, struggling to word her emotions into something coherent.

Nicky licked her chapped lips as the walls around her heart grew sky high. She had been preparing for this, in the back of her mind a tiny piece of her had come to expect that Red would give up on her sooner or later. Hell, it wasn't as if she could blame her. Red had lasted longer and put more time and effort into healing her than anyone in her life had ever done before. Her eyes focused on Red's face, trying to somehow gauge just what she was thinking.

Nicky sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, her teeth instantly gnawing on it as she prepared for the severing of their relationship - the very one that had breathed life into her when she was nothing more than a hollow shell. Her eyes focused on the purple of her mother's glasses, glaring at them intensely as they dangled from around her neck. She felt suffocated in the silence, Red's more than deserved disappointment in her chipping away at every ounce of strength she had. If Red was going to do this, she was going to have to do it quick.

Looking down at her lap, Nicky ran her sweaty palms roughly against her thighs. She continued to bite her lip, no longer minding the way her razor blade canines pierced into her flesh - pain had always been something that was tangible.

Much like Nicky, Red was lost to a spinning world. She wrung her hands together nervously, desperately trying to keep up with million-a-mile thoughts that were racing inside of her head. She had been a wreck when Nicky had been stolen from her side and disciplined with a stay in max. Instead of dealing with her anger and disappointment, she buried it deep within her soul. Ignorance had always been the sort of bliss she clung to, and when Nicky had returned, Red had done much the same with her excitement, idiotically and naively imagining that things between them could be the same as it was.

One minute she was fine, and able to push past her girl's mishaps, the next she was paralyzed with fear, worried that the next time Nicky made the wrong decision… it would be her last. In addition to honest, she needed Nicky to put her fears at ease, to possibly answer for how things had gotten so bad, so quickly. Realizing there was no time like the present, Red placed a tentative hand on her knee, squeezing just hard enough to get her daughter's attention.

"I want to talk about why you left, Nicky." Red rubbed down her leg, the material of her sweat pants warm under her touch. She drifted down to her ankle and squeezed the boney structure lovingly before returning her hand back to her lap. "I need an explanation, honey," she tiredly brought her hand up and rubbed it against her forehead, her age truly showing for the first time.

If it wouldn't have sounded insulting, Nicky would have gasped. Somehow, it felt like this was the first time she was actually seeing Red. Her eyes cast over her, and she could just barely make out the chipped polish adorning her nails; her vibrant hair color had faded, her skin was pale and the bags under her eyes illustrated just how completely exhausted she was.

There was an overwhelming, inescapable, amount of blame that Nicky had in her mother's distress. She licked her lips nervously, the pressure of her tongue soothing her irritated and tender skin. "I messed up," Nicky admitted hoarsely. She sat up a little more, tucking her feet underneath her. She uncharacteristically tucked a massive and frizzy curl back behind her ear. She cleared her throat, not wanting to stutter her way through an excuse or cause Red to have to strain to hear her. "I just… I slipped," she whispered.

"I know," Red replied honestly, but she still needed more, she still craved a more concrete and solid explanation. She couldn't fix this, and she couldn't stop it from happening if she didn't know what had caused the slip. She sighed softly and moved her hand back to Nicky's knee. "What happens the next time you slip?" she asked seriously. She believed with her whole heart that Nicky was stronger than her addiction. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that didn't think her girl could overcome it, but she wanted to be there for her when she did. She would do anything she needed to, anything Nicky asked her to. She just wanted to help - to understand.

Nicky shrugged, her eyes dropping to her hands. She unfolded them from their tightly clasped lock and began to pick at the skin around her thumb. "I wish I knew," she admitted. She didn't want to put Red through this. She had caused her enough pain for one lifetime. Red was too good a woman, and too good a mother, to have to watch her slip right through the cracks.

"What do I do, Nicky?" Red asked. The pain and anguish, that had been present in her plea, when she had asked that same question to her that night in the bathroom, was gone from her tone. Red sounded tired, and concerned, but wasn't near as broken as she had been that night. "Huh?" Red grunted, her voice roughly breaking through her daughter's observations "Do I watch you like a hawk, do I monitor your every move?" she asked, "What do you need me to do? What can I do, how do I help you, Nicky? I don't want you using-"

Nicky sighed tiredly, and quietly whispered, "I didn't use."

"You didn't use today?" Red scoffed bitterly.

"No," Nicky growled. She didn't hesitate to throw the older woman an impressed glare, which Red returned with just as much intensity. Knowing full well that her mother was not going to back down, and not having the strength to argue with her, Nicky exhaled a breath of frustration, a tinge of insecurity coloring her tone, "You aren't going to believe me," she shook her head and sighed, "What does it matter now, Red?"

Red scooted closer toward her at once and reached her arm out to drape across her flat tummy. She cupped her hand around her back and urged her to move closer. "What won't I believe, Nicky?" she asked worriedly.

"I really didn't use, Ma," Nicky tried to explain. "I didn't… I mean, did, but not at first." God, Nicky cursed herself silently. She rubbed both hands over her face tiredly, before trailing them up into her hair where she painfully clenched her fingers around pieces of her wild mane. Why was she even bothering to explain this? It's not as if it mattered now.

Studying her intently, Red ran her palm back and forth over her abdomen soothingly. She would later swear she could almost feel Nicky's insides clenching together nervously. Her voice was gentle, and non-judging but the confusion was very much evident, "Then why? Nicky," Red shook her head. "I don't understand," her brows furrowed together. "Why did you have the drugs? How did you get them?"

Nicky licked her lips and released the hold she had in her hair. Sighing heavily, she dropped her hands down on top of Red's, somehow hoping the action would settle her uneasy stomach. She explained the story calmly, articulating her hatred for Vee and her desire for revenge. "I was never supposed to get my hands dirty, not like this," Nicky promised. "I know I messed up, but Ma, she couldn't just get away with what she had done to you. I promise you, Red, I promise you, I was on the straight and narrow, even down in max." She laced her hand with her mother's and clawed at her skin desperately. "I couldn't let her win, and I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to prove to you that I could take care of us - that I could take care of myself."

Red released a shaky breath and her eyes cast upward, her worse fear coming to life. Just as she had suspected… it was her fault. The logical side of her had known that she wasn't directly responsible, but she had subconsciously worried that she had somehow failed in her ability to parent. Keeping herself safe, keeping Nicky safe - it was the world she had grown so accustomed to, a role she had been made for.

Before she could express that, before she could turn the situation around and give Nicky the impression it was all about her, she nodded her head in understanding. "I believe you," she turned her hand in Nicky's and squeezed it gently. Moving even closer to her, she drew the girl's hand to her lips and kissed the inside of her palm delicately, before fisting her hand around it tightly, encouraging Nicky to save and remember the act of affection always. "I believe you."

Nicky smiled at her softly, the distress in her face melting only slightly as her eyes widened largely in surprise. She couldn't help but feel as if she were in a dream. Surely, any moment now, the warm cocoon she had found herself nestled in would be cracked, and everything safe and warm would melt away.

"What happened Nicky?" Red asked softly unknowingly piercing into the girl's train of thought. "How did we get from that to where we are now?"

"Fucking Luschek," Nicky's confession was a hiss, an octave that neither of them had ever known her capable of. She scrambled to sit up, clutching to Red's hand. Nicky wholeheartedly knew she couldn't put all the blame on him, but the seething hatred and anger that was pulsing through her veins were inevitable. "He showed up, and-" she shook her head, "It… he ripped my world apart again, and I… I fucking lost. I know you won't understand-"

"Help me understand, then," Red pleaded calmly. "Help me understand, my love."

Nicky shook her head and used her heels to aid her in scooting down on the bunk so that she was just inches from Red's face. She shook her head slowly, studying the intense waves in her mother's sapphire blues. "I would never intentionally try to hurt you," Nicky whispered. She shrugged slowly, her voice catching on her emotion, "Me using, that's not me trying to punish you." Nicky moved her hand to her mother's lap and she squeezed her knee gently. She wanted her to understand that nothing she did was ever to hurt her. "It's not me getting back at you for anything. That's just - I'm an addict," the corner of her lips pulled into an embarrassed smile. "And… these things tend to happen when you feel like you have nothing left to lose."

Luscheck had done more than just sell her out. He had taken away the little ounce of safety that she had managed to cling to. Before he had visited her, she had convinced herself to fully and effectively feel the love that Red had slowly been instilling inside of her. It had been her only source of comfort, remembering her mother's words, and in less than a minute and a half, he had stolen all of that away from her.

Nicky gripped both of Red's hands in hers and tugged on them gently, their fingers naturally intertwining. "That night in the bathroom, when you asked me what you could do…"

"Hmm," Red hummed. She pulled her hand from Nicky's and cupped it around the base of her neck. She trailed it upward gently to cup her cheek, and she chuckled softly as her girl nuzzled into her palm. She stroked her thumb across her skin lovingly, admiring the complexion between her pale skin and Nicky's olive color. She pulled Nicky into her and allowed her eyes to flutter closed as the weight of her daughter leaned upon her for support. She kissed her temple sweetly, inhaling the scent of strawberry that seemed to magically cling to her girl's hair no matter.

"Just this," Nicky purred, her eyes fluttering closed as she felt Red's hand sneak back to rub along the back of her neck, her strong, yet delicate hands working out her tension. "Be here. Even when it sucks and you want to kill me, and I drive you completely crazy," she mumbled against her shoulder. "Stop trying to fix everything"

"I'm a mother," Red argued, smiling coyly, believing that was the only excuse she needed to defend her overbearing and slightly dramatic tendencies.

"You're a control freak," Nicky smiled guilty, feeling Red's glare cast over her. She wrapped her arms around her tightly, a small moan of contentment falling from her lips as she felt Red return her embrace just as tightly.

Nicky closed her eyes, enjoying the physical contact that they hardly allowed themselves to bask in. Red's grumble of protest fell on deaf ears as Nicky hugged her closer. Red had come into her life at a time when she needed her most and had never left her side, no matter how hard Nicky had tried to push her away, and despite the countless chances she had to walk away, she never did.

It would still take time to learn and trust, but it was evident that the pair of them were simply indestructible.


End file.
